Are gay men naturally polyamorous?
Navigating the complexity of queer relationships.
Why do most gay couples seem to end up in an open relationship? Is there something about gay men that makes us inherently incompatible with monogamy?
Let's unpack the complexity of queer relationships.
What is polyamory?
We're all fairly familiar with monogamy - it's where you have only one sexual partner that you're in a committed relationship with and you don't have sex with anyone else.
Polyamory is pretty much the opposite of monogamy. A polyamorous person can have multiple sexual partners and multiple simultaneous relationships - however that is defined.
What's the science behind polyamory?
Most animals are polyamorous, although there are examples of animals who enter into monogamous relationships.
While there are conflicting theories on how the human experience of sex and relationships has evolved, there is evidence that indicates that humans have become less sexually competitive over time. Somewhere around 5,000-10,000 years ago, it started to become more common for one man to have children with one woman. Prior to that, one man would often have children with multiple different women - men were aggressively competing with each other to impregnate available women.
One of the factors that might have started to change our natural inclinations towards polyamory is a shift in the way we lived. Moving from being hunter-gatherers into agrarian communities that farmed land and grew crops led to the emergence of more stable family units.
Economic factors are also likely to have played a part in the shift from polyamory to monogamy. As it became increasingly important to retain ownership of land and property within the family unit, monogamy was seen as more stable and a way of protecting wealth and resources.
But the biggest driver of the move from polyamory to monogamy has been social factors. While the laws of Ancient Greece and Ancient Rome seem to have set some of the foundations, it was the emergence of the Christian church that saw many countries adopt monogamy as the marital norm - legally enforcing that through legislative frameworks and a ban on polygamy.
How does sexuality shape our experience of relationships?
The biological evidence seems to suggest that all men are naturally polyamorous.
How we describe our sexuality seems to have little bearing on our primal urge to have sex with multiple people.
What prevents some men from being polyamorous is the combination of social pressures and economic pressures.
Gay men are more likely to explore polyamorous sexual encounters because they are less subject to the social and economic pressures that favour monogamy as the relationship norm.
Is an open relationship the same as polyamory?
Any version of an open relationship is an example of polyamory - you are opting for something different to monogamy.
Polyamory doesn't require you to sustain multiple relationships simultaneously, it simply means that you're not restricted or confined to only have sex with the person that you're in a relationship with.
Gareth Johnson
Navigating the emotional minefield of polyamory?
There is no right way to experience polyamory, but open and authentic communication with your sexual partners is generally going to be helpful, and a bit of self-awareness is really useful as you figure out what works for you.
"For me, the surprise came when my primary partner got a boyfriend..." explains Enzo - our naked roving reporter and resident expert on polyamory. "I have had plenty of polyamorous partners, but I've never had a primary partner with a polyamorous partner. It was easy for me to talk about my boyfriend with my primary partner. However, at first, it felt weird hearing my primary partner talk about his boyfriend. But I tried to be open minded, because I said that is what I wanted for him. It took some growing pains. But, eventually, I got used to it and it felt very natural to hear. Now, I brag about my partner having a boyfriend and how cool it is."
Gareth Johnson
