Break your patterns of masturbation and unlock pleasure

Most of us learn how to masturbate through a bit of trial and error. No one teaches us this stuff - we just have to figure it out.

Although we might have a bit of shame to navigate - depending on the cultural or religious context in which we find ourselves - masturbation is something that comes naturally to men. We're genetically programmed to masturbate - our bodies know what to do.

Limited learning

One of the downsides of figuring out how to masturbate - without any guidance or coaching - is that we often develop patterns of behaviour.

It might be that we discovered masturbation in the bath or the shower, so that's where we always do it. Or it might be that we first got ourselves off by humping the pillow, so that becomes our go-to way to enjoy genital stimulation.

For a lot of us, masturbation becomes something that we have to do quickly, quietly, and in secret. Whether we're sharing a bedroom, or ensuring that no one hears us or catches us, we learn how to efficiently stroke ourselves until orgasm but we don't have the luxury of taking our time or exploring that experience.

By the time that we've hit puberty and adolescence, we've learned that masturbation feels good, but we've also attached a lot of compression and tension to the experience. The risk of getting caught can add to the teenage thrill of stroking your cock, but it limits your relationship with your body and the pleasure that's potentially available to you.

Porn often plays a really key role in our masturbation. We stroke our cock while watching porn - we cum, then we're done.

If you think about it, you're probably masturbating in the same way and in the same place pretty much every time. Whether that's in your bed at night or on the sofa or wherever - you fire up the porn, wrap your hand around your cock, stroke as you're watching porn, cum, wipe yourself up, and your masturbation task for the day is done.

If you're masturbating in this way, it's likely that your experience of pleasure in this context is very localised. You get pleasure by stroking your cock. You might be fingering yourself for some anal stimulation, and you might be pinching your nipples or tugging your balls. But overall, it's going to be a pretty cock-focused experience.

Sound familiar? It's pattern masturbation. It's not bad or wrong, but it's a bit limited.

Moving beyond pattern masturbation

To expand your experience of masturbation you effectively need to retrain yourself in the skill of self-pleasure.

We need to shift our masturbation from a linear, cock-focused task into a full-body experience. We need to harness all of the sexual energy available to our bodies.

Unpacking shame and embracing pleasure

Growing up, masturbation isn’t something we often get to talk about with other guys – it’s generally a bit of a taboo topic.

Overtly or subliminally, we’ve probably been taught that masturbation was wrong and that sex was wrong.

It takes a lot of work to identify and articulate those feelings of shame, and to start to move past them.

Once you accept that masturbation is an integral part of who we are as men - that masturbating is an essential part of healthy sexual expression - we can then start to change our relationship with pleasure.

Your sexual energy can be powerful and transformative. Becoming more confident in the way that we receive and enjoy pleasure opens up the potential to channel our sexual energy towards personal growth - enabling us to become the best possible version of ourselves.

While maximising your enjoyment of masturbation is self-focused, it's not selfish. Becoming more in touch with how you experience pleasure helps you to become better at giving pleasure to others. We become more conscious, more intentional, more present, and more authentic. That results in a deeper, richer, and a more intense sexual experience for you and anyone that you share your body with.

Embracing the full-body experience of masturbation

The first step is to understand your body – to get to know yourself.

Ask yourself simple questions - try and be objective, factual. Which parts of my body are the most sensitive or receptive to pleasure? How sensitive is my cock? When I masturbate, do I cum quickly or can I edge for an extended time?

There's no right or wrong answers - everyone's body is different. What's important is that you know how your body works and that you feel connected to your body.

With a solid understanding of your body, you can then start to explore different ways to experience pleasure - listening to your body and observing how it responds.

A good starting point is to slow down. When you're masturbating, take your time - it's not a race. Put some time aside and know that you're not going to be interrupted, you're not in a rush. Observe how your body is responding as you slowly build the momentum of your stroke and build the sexual energy.

Prioritise your self-pleasure. Try and masturbate at least once a day. Focus on variation - each day, try something different. It could be a different time of day, it could be a different location, it could be a different technique. The more you try, the more you'll learn about how your body responds and how best to maximise your pleasure.

Experience the power of communal masturbation

Masturbating by yourself is great, but a communal masturbation experience can be a bit of a game-changer.

When a group of men are in the same room all stroking their cocks, the testosterone is pumping, the pheromones are flowing - it's a primal, physical kind of thing that will take your masturbation next-level.

Upcoming communal masturbation opportunities in London:

• 17 April: Naked co-working - the bate edition
• 19 April: Masturbation and Mindfulness
• 14 May: Naked co-working - the bate edition