Kink 1.01: Humiliation
Are you into it?
Sex is great, but when you figure out what your kinks are then you can really take things next-level.
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Describing something as a sexual kink is to acknowledge that what turns you on is a bit unconventional – it’s a deviation from the norm. What gets you off is a bit outside the boundaries of what we generally think of as vanilla sexual encounters.
The kink that we’re going to focus on here is erotic humiliation. Are you into it?
Having a sexual kink doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily unique – you’ll probably find that there’s lots of guys out there that share the kink that pushes your buttons. But how do you figure out if the guy that you’re hooking up with will be receptive to what really gets you going? What if he’s turned off by what turns you on?
Let’s get into it.
What is a Humiliation kink?
There’s a fair bit of crossover between kinks and fetishes, but the distinction is that a kink is a sexual preference whereas a fetish is a sexual need. For example, if your kink is humiliation then being humiliated helps you to get off. If humiliation is your sexual fetish then the only way that you’re going to get off is if someone humiliates you.
What does humiliation look like in this context? If your kink is being humiliated, then that means that you get off on feeling degraded by your sexual partner. This could be as simple as verbal taunts and insults but could also include various forms of physical or psychological degradation.
Obviously, it’s consensual. Both parties have to be on-board with this type of role-play, even if – in the moment – it feels very real.
Is a humiliation kink the same as BDSM?
Humiliation falls within the broad umbrella of BDSM because there’s a power-play at its core – humiliation is a form of domination and submission.
There’s lots of sexual kinks that are somewhere within the spectrum of BDSM encounters – BDSM isn’t all about spanking, bondage and whips. For example, rape-play relies on the dominance and submission element of BDSM but may not require physical bondage.
In addition to the power-play, humiliation role-play can also tap into complex emotions such as vulnerability and shame. It’s a potent sexual cocktail that – in the right hands – can be incredibly arousing.
How do I tell my hookup I have a humiliation kink?
The obvious if somewhat boring answer is that it’s all about communication. Having an upfront conversation is the easiest and most straightforward way to share with each other what you’re into - it's the simplest way to create the dynamic that can help you both get your kink on.
In reality, it’s pretty rare that we get to have those conversations in a rational and clear-headed kind of way – particularly if you’re using hook-up apps to connect with other guys.
One solution is to use the technology. If you can articulate your kinks in your bio or in your DM conversations with potential hook-ups, then that’s going to increase your odds of having an encounter with someone who gets where you’re coming from.
With any form of kink or fetish, consent is essential. If you can cover off the consent question in your DMs before your hook-up, then that will make your encounter much hotter. If you’ve told him that you want to be humiliated and he’s confirmed that he’s up for it, then when you actually get together it’s game-on and you can get down to business.
What if my hookup isn't into humiliation?
If you’re hooking up with someone who’s new to your specific kink, you may have to do a bit of education and training to get them up to speed with what you need them to do.
Be prepared that you might encounter some kink-shaming in this process, but talking openly about the kinks that get us off is a way of normalising that some of us like our sex a bit spicy.
But you also need to be prepared to make compromises. Maybe the guy that you’re planning to hook up with isn’t into it – that’s cool, you either need to find a different guy or accept that you won’t get to explore your kink in this encounter. You’ve got choices to make.
What are the best ways to explore my humiliation kink?
In a way, physical acts of humiliation are fairly straightforward. Maybe you want the guy to spit on your face, to slap your face, or to force your face into his armpit or whatever. It’s a pretty clear dom/sub kind of dynamic – make me feel less-than without actually physically harming me. Hot, right?
Psychological humiliation is a bit harder to define but can take you next-level in terms of kink turn-ons.
At a basic level, you can match some verbal insults to the physical humiliation that is being inflicted. If he’s spitting on you and slapping you, it makes sense that he would call you a faggot in that process. Using demeaning and offensive language is another way of illustrating the dom/sub dynamic and demonstrating that you are less-than in this encounter.
Role-plays are a great way to create opportunities for psychological humiliation while also giving clear boundaries as to the form that the humiliation is going to take. For a humiliation kink, the more authentic you can make the role-play – the closer to reality – then the more of a turn-on it’s going to be. For example, it could be a boss/employee role-play, but use the language of your actual job – you want to tap into whatever vulnerability and shame that you’re feeling in order to really unlock the erotic power of this kink.
Cuckold fantasies often include a strong element of humiliation. The person being cucked is often turned on by being told – and seeing – that their husband is getting more satisfying sex from someone else.
One of the most common humiliation scenarios is Small Penis Humiliation. Obviously, it’s totally fine whatever size or shape your penis is, but some guys really get off on being humiliated about the size of their penis – tapping into whatever shame or trauma they’ve internalised about their dick.
Next time you're masturbating, let your imagination wander and turn your mind to being humiliated by someone - would that turn you on? If not, what would? What kinks push your buttons?
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Gareth Johnson