Christmas in Antwerp

Why am I in Antwerp for Christmas? For no particular reason.

I'm not here with friends or family. There's no specific events going on. I'm in a nice hotel, just hanging out, doing my own thing.

One thing I've learnt over the years is that you need to have some kind of plausible answer ready for when the question inevitably comes up: "What are you doing for Christmas?"

If you tell people, "I'm just staying at home by myself" it paints you as a victim, invites pity or judgement, or encourages them to be the good samaritan that railroads you into their version of a perfect Christmas.

"I'll be in Antwerp..." is a solid answer.

It's not that I'm anti-Christmas. I'm not the Grinch. There's a lot to like about getting together with others and sharing a meal.

But, for me, Christmas feels like it brings with it a lot of pressure. Everyone has their own perceptions of what Christmas should be - many of those expectations are unrealistic or unattainable. I'm guilty of that. I get annoyed when people don't play by the unknowable Christmas rules that exist only in my head.

It's taken a while for me to figure it out, but the specific thing that I don't enjoy about Christmas is myself. I don't like myself at Christmas - I don't like who I become.

It's the same reason that I no longer work in an office of any kind - office politics bring out the absolute worst in me. The solution? I remove myself from the equation.

This year, I've removed myself to Antwerp.

It's an easy train journey from London - Eurostar across to the mainland and then changing at Brussels for the local train to Antwerp. Travelling on Christmas Eve is always a bit of a gamble but on this occasion everything ran smoothly.

It's only the second time that I've been to Antwerp. The first was years ago - a gay water polo tournament one summer. It's a beautiful city - they spent that diamond money wisely.

At Christmas, it's picture-postcard perfect. It's icy cold, the city is decorated with stylish lights, and there's a cute Christmas market surrounding the softly lit cathedral.

I've got a bottle of Bailey's, an assortment of snacks, and a book. I'm snuggling into my cosy hotel room and I'm exactly where I want to be.

I have to admit that it does feel a little counter-intuitive. The direction that I'm taking my work is all about connection, intimacy, and community. Yet, here I am opting out of all of that to spend Christmas by myself.

My rationale is that I'm recharging my introvert batteries. Just because humans are social creatures that need physical and emotional intimacy, doesn't mean that we need it all the time. Spending time on your own is a great way to take a breath and recalibrate your intentions and your focus - as long as that process doesn't leave you feeling isolated and alone.

Wherever you are and whomever your with, I hope that you're enjoying the festive season. Remember to take a breath, recharge your batteries, and be kind to yourself - who knows what the year ahead holds for us all.