Five steps to the perfect relationship
It could be worth a try, right?
Relationships may follow some general patterns that everyone can identify with, but everyone's relationship has a unique dynamic. What makes a relationship "perfect" is a totally subjective assessment - what works for one couple may not work for others.
Same-sex relationships share a lot of similarities to opposite-sex relationships. Gender obviously plays a role, but we're still two people figuring out ways to co-exist, to build a long-term partnership, to navigate love and life.
What does a healthy relationship look like?
A healthy partnership will generally enable the couple to:
- Mediate: The couple are able to identify the source of conflict and agree a compromise.
- Referee: If there is a point of conflict then the conflict is contained and worked through - as opposed to escalating out of control.
- Facilitate: Able to listen and speak with each other without blaming.
Relationship phases
Most relationships follow three main phases:
- Storming: The passionate beginning of the relationship.
- Forming: Agreements, boundaries and expectations begin to be established.
- Norming: When routines and patterns begin to be established.
While a couple may experience challenges at any of those three stages of the relationship, the stakes often feel a bit higher when we're in the "norming" stage. We're at a point where we feel like the ground rules of our partnership have been agreed - there's a sense of commitment, a sense that if the relationship ended you would be walking away from something significant.
Change triggers
The most common reason that a problem may emerge within the relationship - particularly during the "norming" phase - is generally to do with change of some kind. Something is different that makes you start questioning the expectations and boundaries that had previously anchored your experience of the relationship.
Change triggers might include work, bereavement, children, health, or financial matters.
For example, one partner may take up a new hobby, or start working longer hours, or the frequency of sexual contact might be different. Changes such as this can cause confusion and raise questions.
Another example is where one partner wants to change the previously agreed boundaries of the relationship - most commonly, moving from a monogamous sex-life into something more open.
How to navigate change within a relationship
Identify what has changed and articulate this to your partner
- Example: “I notice that we don’t hold hands in the street any more, I wonder why that might be?”
- Example: “You shouted at me today, you haven’t done that before, what’s happened?”
The key here is to articulate your questions in a safe way, not to be confrontational.
Don’t make excuses for the other person by interpreting their behaviour
Example: “We haven’t had sex for a while, I guess he must be stressed about work.”
Avoiding a problem will only compound the issue.
Make regular time for each other
This is particularly important as your relationship matures.
Be present for each other.
Create the space to really listen to each other.
Never assume that you understand your partner or that they understand you
Humans are complex and emotional beings.
Try and understand what’s motivating the behaviour instead of focusing on the impact of the behaviour.
Get help early
Don’t leave it too late before seeking professional help.
The earlier that you start to tackle potential issues within your relationship, the easier it will be to navigate through them.
If you're struggling to Mediate, Referee, and Facilitate - and you're keen to try and keep the partnership together - working with a relationship therapist or couples counsellor may be a useful way to create a space in which you can communicate together in a meaningful way and figure out how to get things back on track.