My uncle has died.
He lived a good life.
I heard this morning that my Uncle Mike has died.
It's sad, but he's lived a good life. He was 90. Just a few months ago, we all gathered together for a big family lunch to celebrate his 90th birthday.
He died at home, it happened quite suddenly. I guess it was a good way to go. He's lived a good life.
Mike was married to Jean, my mother's sister.
Jean and Mike lived in Cardiff and my parents lived in Australia, so we didn't see much of them when we were growing up.
Jean and Mike were both pharmacists - they met at college. Once they'd retired, they made an annual visit to Australia - escaping the winter for some sunshine. I also saw them regularly once I'd moved to London.
One of the big chapters of Mike's life was when they bought an apartment on the Spanish coast at Denia. They spent their summers in Spain and I often stayed with them there.
Mike was a generous man who enjoyed everything. He loved red wine, he loved food, he loved his family.
For some unknown reason, he had an intense dislike of Tom Hanks.
I'll miss Uncle Mike.
His death hasn't hit me particularly hard as once you get to 90 it's pretty clear that every day is a blessing. Mike was still pretty sharp but his body was failing him.
I guess what I am feeling is that his death signifies the sunset of an era. My aunts and uncles are at an age when they won't be with us for much longer. The same goes for my parents. The generation that has defined my life and my experience of the world will soon be gone. I'm not quite sure how to navigate that.
The date of the funeral hasn't been set yet - it's likely to be a few weeks away. I'll be travelling down to Cardiff to be there.
I'll miss Uncle Mike. He lived a good life.
How do we cope with grief?
Loss can be felt for a range of reasons and there's no right or wrong way to grieve.
But here are some tips that might help you to navigate your way through the grieving process.
What is grief?
Grief is the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away.
These feelings can manifest in a multitude of ways, including shock, anger, disbelief, guilt, and profound sadness.
You may feel a physical impact from your grief - it may be difficult to sleep or eat. You may feel physically or mentally overwhelmed.
The intensity of your grief may depend on the significance of the loss that you have experienced - the more significant the loss, the more intense the grief that you will feel.
The most common sources of grief are:
- Bereavement (the death of a loved one).
- Death of a pet.
- Divorce or relationship breakup.
- Loss of health.
- Losing a job.
- Loss of financial stability.
- A miscarriage.
- Retirement.
- Loss of a cherished dream.
- A loved one’s serious illness.
- Loss of a friendship.
- Loss of safety after a trauma.
- Selling the family home.
The grieving process
How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and how significant the loss was to you.
Inevitably, the grieving process takes time but there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years.
How to navigate the grieving process
While the experience of grief is part of what makes us human, moving forward through that grief is also part of who we are.
We feel the loss, we grieve, we find a way to move on with our lives.
People often talk about the five stages of grief - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance - which may be a helpful framework to give some language to what you're feeling. But there's no typical response to loss - the way that we experience grief is individual to us.
Grief is rarely a linear experience of gradually feeling better over time. It frequently feels like a roller-coaster - ups and downs, good days and bad days - memories or events may trigger feelings of grief at unexpected moments.
Take time
Don't try and put a timeframe on your emotions. We know that grief takes time but we don't know how much time it will take. Don't try and rush what you're feeling - there's no schedule to adhere to - be patient and give yourself permission to grieve.
Stay connected
Instinctively, your grief may lead you to wanting to be alone - to isolate yourself from the world so you can try and process what you're feeling. That's okay - some alone-time is good - but you'll generally find that staying connected with others will be really beneficial in helping you to navigate your grief. Friends and family and even online contacts are really important support networks as you grieve.
Get back into your routine
A sudden loss can throw everything in your life off-kilter. Starting to rebuild your daily routine will help to bring some structure to the chaos of your emotions. Get up and have breakfast, walk the dog, water the plants - have a few simple things on your check-list will give you something to focus on beyond your grief, it will give you a sense of getting back in control of your life.
Start something new
A new project or some sense of beginning a new chapter can really help us to feel that we're getting back on our feet and moving forward with our lives. Maybe it's booking a holiday, or joining a gym, or taking a course - something that symbolises change and renewal and looking forward to what lies ahead instead of focusing on what we've left behind.
Celebrate milestones
Celebrating milestones helps us to put our grief into perspective as we move forward. For example, if it's been a year since your father died, getting family members together for a meal is a great way to mark the occasion, share memories, and reflect on everything that's happened in the past year, as well as looking forward to continuing to build memories together.
Be kind to yourself
We're never "healed" from grief. Don't beat yourself up if something triggers your emotions and you find yourself crying in the hardware store. It's okay - take some time out, lean into your support networks, and let yourself feel those emotions.
What is grief if not love persevering?
Gareth Johnson