Is geo-politics killing my libido?
Worry is the enemy of arousal.
It's classic therapy-speak - there's no point worrying about the things that are beyond our control. If you're feeling anxious, focus on the things that you can do something about.
Maybe I'm doing it wrong? It doesn't seems to be working. I feel like I'm drowning in a tsunami of existential dread. I'm worried about a lot of things - all of them beyond my control.
There's the big stuff, like war.
Sure, there always seems to be a war going on somewhere, and that's a nightmare for anyone directly caught up in the conflict. But I'm finding it difficult not to worry about how the attacks by the US and Israel on Iran are going to play out. Beyond the people being killed - which is awful - the wider ramifications are hard to get your head around.
What I know is that the conflict in the Middle East has only been going for a couple of weeks and it's already fucking with my travel plans and fucking with my bank balance.
If I'm already feeling that pain then the global economy is going to witness some seismic shifts. I'm not an economist but it doesn't feel like anyone is ringing that alarm bell hard enough. Everyone seems to be on auto-pilot - going through the motions like this is totally normal. Nothing about this feels normal, to me.
There's also the personal stuff, like dementia.
I'm currently in Australia, spending time with family. What that means in practical terms is that I'm helping to care for my father, who has dementia.
It's vascular dementia, which is not as aggressive as something like Alzheimer's. He's still living at home but he now requires 24-hour care, 7 days a week. It's exhausting and no fun for anyone but it's better than trying to find space for him in a care-home. We're trying to avoid that.
He's 90 years old, he could leave us at any moment, but his body is resilient. He's still going.
I'm worried about what happens when I return to London. Assuming that I am actually able to fly on the flight that I'm booked on, I honestly don't know when I'd be able to get back to Australia. I'm not even sure that I could afford to pay for a flight back to Australia - with the global fuel-shortage, the already eye-wateringly expensive flights have become even more expensive.
Will this be the last time that I see my father? Will I need to watch his funeral on a Zoom call? I feel like these are things that I should have some control over but all I can do is worry.
Then, there's my body.
I haven't had sex since I left London - that's a good three weeks. Not that I'm a hyper-sexual person, but my day-to-day life tends to revolve around getting naked with men and exploring intimacy - I'm giving massages, I'm hosting events, I'm interviewing guys, I'm masturbating. All of that has stopped.
It's a shift to go from living by yourself to living with family - it's limiting, in all the obvious ways.
Technically, there's nothing stopping me hitting the apps and hooking up with local guys - I just have no urge to do that.
I've been masturbating occasionally - rubbing one out at night in bed with the headphones on as I scroll through Twitter porn - but it feels functional, my pleasure stunted. It's not giving me the release that I need.
How is my libido impacted by geo-politics?
I know that intimacy, touch, and connection are important. I know that they're essential human needs. But it feels somehow naive to be trying to focus on that when the world around us seems to be unravelling.
I keep checking the news, hoping that there will be some kind of breakthrough - that something will happen that means that we can all move forward. But no relief is forthcoming - I'm being edged by my anxiety and I'm not enjoying it.
I guess we live in interesting times. Fuck knows what we've done to deserve that.
Gareth Johnson