Trevor from Love Daddy: The interview

For our podcast, How To Date Men, I caught up with Trevor from Love Daddy.

We talk peer pressure, the importance of confidence, and the power of future focused dating.

Listen to the episode

What does a relationship and love coach actually do?

Queer men are aching for love - that's first and foremost. Romantic love and relationship dynamics just were never taught.

Most guys are out there flailing, trying to figure it out, falling flat on their face - it's frustrating.

That's where I come in.

I help guys put a frame around their desires, to get clarity about what they want. We come up with a plan for navigating the dating scene, worry free.

That framework that you create with people is that specific to queer men or could you pretty much help anyone out there however they identify their sexuality?

My learned skills as a coach allow me to coach anyone, but I focus on gay and bi men because the relationship dynamics that we have to navigate were never taught.

Sure, straight relationships need a lot of help and they're very tough. I certainly could coach straight people but I'm not currently offering that.

Who are the men that are coming to you for help?

It does run the gamut.

I do have a strong pull among men in urban, metropolitan, high cost-of-living environments. That's primarily in the US, although I have clients in Canada, the UK, Europe, South America, and Australia as well.

These are guys who are high achievers in creative or academic fields. Maybe they're in tech. These are men who have a lot going on for them professionally, but they struggle in love.

I often get the guy who tells me that he has a strong friend group, but he is the single one in a group of guys who are predominantly coupled - everyone around me has somebody and I don't.

Peer pressure? My friends are all doing couply things - I need to join the club or find new friends?

That does seem to be the case sometimes where they just kind of feel like the odd one out and it would feel more complete for them if they could also have somebody.

What are some of the other common factors?

Once guys get into their 30s, they're kind of like looking to find somebody before they get too old.

Sort of facing mortality? You're looking ahead to a subsequent stage of your life going, maybe I don't want to tackle all of this by myself anymore?

I think that's absolutely right. Like, I've done this, I've been doing this for a while and I don't know what else to do. And I think that's when they reach out for support. It's like, I don't want to end up alone. I hear that a lot. That's a fear. They're coming to terms with aging.

What are some of the main barriers that you're trying to help men navigate?

Everyone is unique but a common barrier is confidence and self-worth.

Maybe about a third of the guys that reach out to me, they're getting in their own way because they're lacking in confidence. You're comparing yourself to people on the internet and you're creating a story about your worth and your value and you're feeling that you're not enough, that you're not good enough.

There are a lot of guys that are really good looking, they have a lot going for them, but they're introverts - they can't can't confidently go up to somebody. They're probably the guy at the party who people aren't approaching because he looks intimidating.

Another barrier is accessibility of gay spaces that don't centre around drinking, partying, and or a hookup culture. A lot of gay social spaces are dominated by hookup culture. I always tell guys that just because that's what's visible, just because that's what you're seeing either on social media, that doesn't mean that's the only thing that exists - it doesn't mean that there aren't other spaces that are out there or that you could create.

Another barrier is the challenge of finding guys who are on the same page about life factors - whether it be monogamy, wanting kids, having a similar vision and feeling aligned on the possibility of developing something long term.

Many men get caught up in this idea of a relationship or this idea of a person. One of the things that we start with when I am in a coaching partnership with somebody is - let's get clear about what it is that you want. Where do you see this going long term?

I like to use the term future focus dating, not just looking at the initial attraction and the honeymoon phase, but what do you want this to look like down the road? We don't have crystal balls for our love lives, but we can at least be intentional. This is where the coaching starts getting super clear about things like: What are your values? What do you see as possible for the relationship? Let's dream and see how this could look because we don't know until we start to create something with somebody. It's great to dream it's great to have plans, but we have to remember that there's another person there and compromise has to come into play.

What I'm really getting a sense of from the guys who come to me is that they just want someone to come home to. They want someone to do life with. A man who chooses them not just for the big milestones but for the everyday boring moments. Cooking together, laughing at each other's jokes, watching a TV show that they both love, and - in some cases - raising kids. They're really looking for someone who is going to be their partner. That's the word I like to use, partnership.

And I always like ask, does that, is that the word that you want to use? And more often than not it is. but that, that's really what it comes down to is this, this is going to be your partner. I don't really, I don't think of like, for life.

A barrier that exists for many guys is fear of commitment. Even the guys that say they want a commitment are afraid of it and they're blocking themselves from actually getting it. So let's look at what's possible for you in this relationship and let's be aspirational, but also let's be flexible and let's understand that people are going to evolve. The relationship that you're starting to create is going to take a different form in five years and 10 years and beyond - allow space for that to happen. Allow you and your partner to really be curious and explore together and be surprised, you know?

It's important to get people to practice how to have conversations about what alignment might look like - you're not going to necessarily find your perfect partner on date one - you're going to have to kiss a few frogs in the process? You've got to practice how to have conversations with people that aren't transactional, right?

There's guys who just want to skip all that. Like, can I just skip the dating part and find my partner? No, because the beginning, those first few dates, those first few months are part of that entire long-term relationship that you're seeking. You have to get through that first uncomfortable few months.

Not that it has to be uncomfortable, right? But if that's how you are framing this - dating sucks, dating is such a waste - I hear people say, it feels like a waste of time. And I'm like, how is it a waste of time? We have to reframe this because you really want this but you're looking at this first stage as a waste of time? There's no way to get what you want if you're framing it that way.

That first stage is fundamental to establishing intimacy with someone else. If you can't do that, then maybe you should just stay home and get a dog because maybe this isn't for you? Do you ever come across someone where you think, I just need to be brutally honest with them and tell them that dating isn't for you?

Ultimately, it comes down to, do I think I'm going to be able to help you? And sometimes the answer is no. Like, either they aren't ready or they're stubborn as hell. I have to sometimes question, is this person ready? Sometimes I'll tell them that their focus needs to be on building friendships and establishing a sense of community before trying to get a partner.

How does your work as a relationship and love coach shape your own experience of relationships and intimacy? Does your expertise in this area make you the perfect boyfriend?

I'm not perfect, but I would say that I'm the right one for him. And I'd say he's the right one for me because we've chosen each other. And that's really what makes a relationship - choosing each other, through and through, right?

So many men just keep looking - maybe there could be someone better. Maybe this isn't the right one, because there's so many more I could be checking out. Someone is going to be good enough to build with.

For me and my partner, we've been really intentional about where we are going together and how we'll communicate our needs and our desires along the way. So I'm not perfect, but he's lucky to have me.

If someone was wanting to change their relationship status and meet someone new and build a relationship, what advice or guidance would you give them?

Start by defining what you actually want long term - a vision for your life and how a partner is going to fit into that. What could that look like? If I start to connect with what my future self is going to be fulfilled by then I'm going to be making better choices about who I interact with, who I make time for, and I'm not going to fall into those self-sabotaging habits of falling for the wrong guys who just want to hook up. Really connect with your future self.

When it comes to dating, look at it as a low-stakes activity that's just part of your life. It's something that you can enjoy doing on the regular - it's not some side chore that you have to make time for. You do have to make time for it but lower the stakes and just have fun.

Your guy is out there, you just have to be paying attention.