Turned on by talking?
The liberation of kink chat.
Finding someone that you can talk openly with about sex is a bit of a gift. There's something really liberating about being able to have an open and authentic conversation about something that we're frequently told is private and often surrounded in shame.
But finding someone that you can talk to about your kinks is next-level liberation.
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Sure, the vanilla turn-ons are easy to talk about. You're into big dicks? Cool, same. You're into underwear? Ditto.
It's the darker, more taboo kinks that are often a bit trickier to discuss - they're often things that we don't want to admit that we're into or don't feel wholly comfortable recognising in ourselves. But let's be real - your internet search history doesn't lie.
If you're having a difficult time articulating your kinks, think about the porn that you search for when you're masturbating and want to get off. Is it consensual non-consent scenarios? You might have a rape kink. Is it size-difference scenarios? You might have an incest kink.
The porn that you're watching is probably only scratching the surface - if you could let your dick drive your imagination, your desires are likely to take you deep into some pretty dark fantasies.
You know what? That's okay.
We're sufficiently evolved that we can differentiate between fantasy and reality.
Just because you have dark fantasies doesn't make you a bad person. But it is understandable why you may be hesitant to discuss your taboo kinks publicly - it's probably not the kind of information that you want in the public domain.
Knowing that you're turned on by some twisted shit can also add to the thrill - in a "no one knows what a filthy fucker I really am" kind of vibe.
If you are lucky enough to find someone that you feel safe enough with to discuss your taboo kinks, you'll probably find the process of talking about them a turn-on in and of itself.
Hearing yourself say: "I'm into incest fantasies..." and having someone reply: "Yeah, me too..." is a bit of a mind-fuck, in the best possible way.
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How do I connect with other guys who are into my kink?
There's no easy way to do this.
A good starting point is social media, although increasing censorship across all platforms makes it harder to share kink-related content and connect with other kinksters.
But before you even think about connecting with other guys, it's important that you can clearly articulate your kink to yourself. You also need to have moved past any shame that you might have associated with that kink.
The more comfortable you are with what turns you on, you'll become more attuned to some of the language associated with that kink - making it easier to recognise when someone may be subtly signalling to you what they're into.
If you're having a horny conversation with someone - whether that's online or in-person - try being upfront.
"What sort of stuff turns you on?" is a really good open question that invites you both to talk about your fantasies.
In order to establish trust and demonstrate good faith, you'll probably need to show that you're willing to be vulnerable in a conversation about fantasies.
For example, you could say something like: "I get really turned on by some of the more twisted or taboo kinks..."
Obviously, as this conversation unfolds, you may both realise that you don't have much overlap on the Venn diagram of the kinks that you're into - but that's good to know, each to their own.
But if you do establish that you're both turned on by the same kind of taboo fantasies, lean into that - share with each other, learn from each other, unleash your kink and take your chat next-level.
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Gareth Johnson