A beginner's guide to open relationships

Relationships are never easy and always fairly complicated, and you’ve got to find what works for you. There’s no right or wrong way of being in a relationship with another person, as long as everyone is getting what they need.

In queer relationships, one of the common crunch-points is navigating conversations around monogamy or what non-monogamy might look like for you.

Let's get into it.

Comparing yourselves to others

There is no rule-book about relationships. Just because your friends or people that you follow on the internet are talking about how great their relationships are, that doesn't mean that you have to follow their example - you need to find your own path.

However, discussing examples of different types of relationships and hearing about the experiences of others can be really helpful in how you articulate what you're looking for and what feels right for you.

If you and your partner are having discussions about monogamy or the various versions of non-monogamy, using comparative examples is a useful way to help you both figure out your boundaries.

For example: "My friend Joe and his husband have started exploring monogamy by having threesomes - but they've agreed that they're only going to do that when they can do it together. How do you feel about that? Is that something that you'd ever want to explore?"

Change can be disruptive

Change in any aspect of our life can be a source of stress, but particularly when it comes to our personal life.

The complexity with navigating a shift in your relationship from monogamy to a version of non-monogamy is that you're not only dealing with the practicalities of figuring out the technical boundaries, but you're also dealing with emotions - it's difficult to predict how we're going to feel until we're in the middle of the situation.

For example: You and your husband have agreed that you can both have sex with other guys as long as you tell each other about it so that there's no secrets between you. But on the first time that it happens, he comes home and tells you about a guy that he's hooked up. He's doing exactly what you agreed but you didn't expect to feel jealous and hurt and insecure. You didn't accurately predict your emotional response.

While your emotions can occasionally throw a wrench into your aspirations for your relationship, that doesn't mean that you need to admit defeat. You've just got to try and be open with each other, articulate how you're feeling, and work together to figure out how you're going to navigate that.

Communication is key

In order to successfully sustain any relationship, you've got to be able to figure out how to effectively communicate to each other. Any underlying challenges with communication are quickly exposed when it comes to navigating a shift from monogamy to a version of non-monogamy.

You not only need to be able to articulate how you want your relationship to function and what your boundaries are, you also need to be able to actively listen to your partner so that you understand what he wants and where his boundaries might lie.

Undertaking some couples therapy can be really constructive as part of this process as it helps to give you the communication tools you need to listen to each other and find some common ground.

It's important to note that your communication is done and dusted once you've agreed on the ground-rules for your relationship. You need to keep communicating - checking in with each other, renegotiating your agreements as you both evolve and grow individually and together. It's hard work but the investment is generally worth it.

What are the different types of open relationships?

There is no definitive list of the different type open relationships because the limit doesn't exist. But here are some broad examples of some of the options out there.

Play Together. Stay Together.

You're open to having sex with other people but only if you're both there together to enjoy it together.

Monogamish

You're pretty much monogamous but if the occasional hook-up happens it's not the end of the world as long as it doesn't compromise the relationship.

Don't Ask. Don't Tell.

We can have sex with other people but we don't talk about it or acknowledge it at all.

Hot Husband

You can have sex with other guys but when you do, I want to hear all about it - tell me everything because it's a total turn-on.

Not in my backyard

You can hook-up with guys if you're away on a business trip, but when we're together then we're monogamous.

This is also known as the Postcode Rule - it effectively means no hooking up with local guys.

No repeat business

We can have sex with other guys but it's got to be a one-time thing - no second dates or building any ongoing connections with other guys.

There's lots of variations of this that all stem from trying to avoid establishing intimacy with other guys. Examples could include: "No sleepovers" or "No kissing". The intention is to try and separate sex from emotions.

Don't fuck friends

We can have sex with other guys but it can't be anyone that we're friends with or anyone that we know.