Can gay men really be friends?

Friendship is a pretty weird thing. What makes people connect with each other? How do we become friends?

Friendships between queer men can sometimes have extra layers of complexity. Sexual encounters can lead to friendships. Friendships can often by expanded to include sexual connections.

The social support network we create through our friendships fulfils a basic human need. When we're isolated, we go a bit stir-crazy. Our friends help us to regulate our emotions, navigate the ups and downs of life. We rely on the emotional intimacy of our friends in order to feel connected to the world around.

We all need to have a couple of people in our life who know us, who see us, who understand us. We all need friends. 

It's important to recognise that friendships evolve and change over time. The friends that we needed in our 20s aren't perhaps the friends that we need in our 40s. Some of those people may still be emotionally close with you, some may have drifted in different directions. Your friendship circles aren't permanent or static. You can make new friends. You can let some friendships dissolve without any drama.

How to make new friends

If you're feeling at a bit of a low-point, a sure-fire way of giving yourself a fresh perspective on the world is to make some new friends. But how do you go about it?

Try something new

It could be joining a club, volunteering at a charity, or signing up for a small-group event - anything that brings you into contact with other people that you haven't met before.

It takes a bit of energy and intention to walk into a new situation and be open to talking with people you don't know, but it's a really effective way of creating new friendship opportunities.

If you'd like to make some new gay friends, increase your chances by choosing activities that are gay heavy. Join a gay book club. Join a gay walking group. Join a gay water polo team.

The reason that gay activities are a great way to make new gay friends is because the other guys who are there are also probably looking to make new gay friends.

Try homosocial spaces

A homosocial space is where it's guys only. Homosocial spaces aren't necessarily sexual but if you're a gay guy then you'll be fairly attuned to the sexual energy that generally occurs when you've got a room full of men.

Examples of homosocial spaces are gym locker-rooms, a men-only yoga class, a football team.

The reason that these are good opportunities to make friends is because they create opportunities for conversation and connection in circumstances where men are able to let themselves be a bit vulnerable.

Try getting a pet

A pet is not only going to give you something to focus your energy on but it also creates opportunities to meet men.

Join a dog-walking group. Chat to the guys who walk their dogs in your neighbourhood. Talking about dogs is an ideal way to start a conversation - you immediately have something in common, an experience that you can share and bond over.

Plus, it's always handy to have some potential dog-sitters nearby.

Try having sex

Sex doesn't always have to be transactional. Try talking to the guys that you're having sex with. You may not want to have sex with them again, but you know that they live nearby and you've already established a level of intimacy with them.

Sometimes your best friends will be people that you first met by having sex with them.