I remember that butterfly feeling, deep in my belly – deep inside the essence that makes up me.
I remember waking up every morning, wanting to shout it from the rooftops and shout it to everyone not listening – I’m in Love! I’m in Fucking Love and I’m Loved and I’m happier than fucking ever. Never been happier!
I thought I’d known what love was once before, or at least a version of it prior to this. At 22, I quickly enveloped myself with another, moving at such a speeding car pace that I never stopped to second-guess or do that thing one does with most new and even established relationships – like, look out for red flags, or ask more questions.
No, I was 22 and grown! I had all my shit figured out and knew exactly who I was – or, at least, who I thought I was.
What a dumbass I was. If I’m being honest with myself, I still kind of am a dumbass – I digress.
I was young and dumb – he was older and ‘clever’. That ammunition led to a shotgun wedding.
All the cliches you hear about rush marriages are pretty much true. It doesn’t work. Parts of me kind of knew that intuitively, but this was something new – an adventure, growing up, getting out of the house.
The Aries in me loved the thrill and challenge but also the satisfaction of completing the assignment. Even if completing this assignment included some cheating and guesswork, but at least I’d got it done, right?
After two-and-a-half years of playing desperate house husband, I needed to exit stage left. I did the ‘healthy’ thing and focused on me for a bit.
Sure, there was a ton of casual distractions, but after the emotional fire my heart had endured, what was left was pretty icy – the thought of letting another in scared the shit out of me.
My love guards were up
I typically go with the flow in life and try to allow the universe to work in its very strange and sometimes fucked up way, but my love guards were up! And then I met them. And then I actually fell in love. Twice!
I fell in love two times within a four-month span – I’d like to think I did it right this time. We played the game – casual dates, getting to know each other, learning boundaries. The ‘normal’ stuff you do in the first six months of love.
This was my first time in polyamory territory and the ride was exhilarating.
I took a vow against monogamy after my matrimonial hell – here I was, a year later. I guess the universe listened and observed, because it certainly delivered.
Both of my polyamorous partners were so different from each other, yet so similar. I think the easiest way to describe how I felt is that one was my sun and the other my moon. My sun gave me life, showed me excitement and adventure. My moon was comfort – he felt like stability and ease.
The dating game turned into two serious relationships with all the freedom in the world. It was full out relationship anarchy filled with secondary, casual and random partners alike, but things seemingly worked. And then, they didn’t.
Remember when I talked about red flags? In this case, I guess I was the red flag all along. I was the thing that did not work.
In comedic fashion, in less than a week, I went from two to none. I guess my charm wore off and the things about me that I assumed were once endearing were now aggravating. The cigarette smoking goth boy with a heart of gold thing got tired and what was left can only be what I assume is the quiet sad boy with a nasty smoking habit. But who the hell actually knows? There’s a million and one reasons why these things end. It takes two to tango, I guess.
I guess I had my rose-coloured glasses on just a little longer than I should have. I’m quite sure the charming adjectives for what I had for each will eventually turn into something meaner or more accurate.
Back on the bachelor
I write this now, back on the bachelor – rose-coloured glasses off, single as fuck.
Do I feel alone? God yes! My heart has gone through the wringer – at this point, I truly can’t fathom playing the game all over again with yet another.
But now, at 28, I’ve learned so much and I know that I’m not grown. I don’t know it all and I’m still figuring things out.
I don’t know exactly who I’d be if I hadn’t gone through so many of the experiences that I have. Plus, every superhero needs a cool origin story, right?
Yeah, I’m alone and it sucks, but I’m also happier than fucking ever.