The human need to feel chosen
Insecurity or a fundamental desire for validation?
It's often surprising what porn teaches us.
I recently interviewed Daddy Patrick about his series, Drifters.
He was talking about the narrative of the series and how it centres around the main character's need to be chosen.
It's a conversation that I've been thinking about a lot.
At a macro level, it's interesting. When we think about how men navigate intimacy and connection, looking at it through the lens of needing to feel chosen puts a lot of things into context.
But it's also something that resonated with me personally. It was a bit of a light-bulb moment - giving me some insight into my own emotional responses.
In psychological terms, the desire to be chosen isn't a new concept. It's referenced in Bowlby's Attachment Theory as well as in Glasser's Choice Theory.
Feeling chosen helps us to feel seen, validated, cherished, and part of something bigger than ourselves.
As gay men, we get early and repeated experience of not being chosen. Frequently, it's pretty clear to everyone around us that we're a bit different from our peers. We are "othered" because of that difference or we "other" ourselves as a form of protection and self-defence.
That translates into being excluded (or excluding ourselves) from friendship groups or social activities. Most of us also carry the trauma and public humiliation of being picked last on sports teams - or not being picked at all.
We know what it feels like to not be chosen. Our resilience equips us with coping mechanisms.
In my case, I'm an introvert who has learnt to be content with my own company. I live by myself and enjoy having my own space. I write as a way of expressing my thoughts and emotions. I organise events so that I give myself permission to take up space and be present in social situations.
Most of the time, those coping mechanisms work effectively. I'm okay. I've chosen myself.
But sometimes I find myself feeling a bit despondent and wanting some other kind of scenario to play out - however I've always been unable to articulate what that alternative scenario might look like.
My conversation with Daddy Patrick has led me to the conclusion that what I'm wanting in those moments is to feel chosen by somebody.
An example of how that manifests is when I'm hosting an event and one of the attendees asks me for the contact details of one of the other attendees - because they've made a strong connection and want to follow up on that. On one hand, that's great - it's pretty much the objective of the event. On the other hand, I can't help thinking: "What about me? Why didn't you feel a connection with me? Why don't you want to follow up with me?"
It's not rational - it's a fleeting moment of insecurity - but the emotions are real.
Another example is when my friends are doing something that doesn't include me. Logically, it's fine. Maybe they could only invite a limited number of people, or maybe it was something that they thought wouldn't interest me, or maybe there's some other perfectly sensible explanation. But I can't help thinking: "Have I done something wrong? Don't they like me anymore?"
The emotions are real.
Being aware of why we might be feeling a certain way can help us to navigate our way through times of stress or uncertainty. It may not make it any less painful when you feel that you haven't been chosen, but at least you can connect the dots on why you're suddenly spiralling.
Frustratingly, you can't make someone choose you. But we do tend to fixate on the moments when we haven't been chosen and forget all the times that we are being chosen. If you're feeling a bit isolated and alone, make a quick list of the people that have reached out to you in the past week - these are examples of people choosing you, of validating you, of cherishing you.
It's also important to remember that you don't have to be a victim. Don't sit back passively waiting for someone to choose you. Be proactive - invite your friends over, slide into the DMs of your crush, let someone know that you're into them.
But being proactive means being vulnerable and opening yourself up to possible rejection. Where this gets real is when you like a guy and you let him know that you're into him - you're choosing him - and he makes it clear that he doesn't feel the same way and that he doesn't choose you. That hurts. That hurts way more than being picked last for the dodge-ball team.
Lucky we're resilient, right? Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and deploy those coping mechanisms. The emotions are real but there's no need to spiral.
Gareth Johnson